I fail

Well despite the best of intentions I didn't increase my word count much since my last blog post. So you could say I failed at Nanowrimo. Or you could say I succeeded at trying.

Between governmental paperwork, doctor appointments, dental appointments, my daughter getting her wisdom teeth out, and her panic attacks I have had a busy time of things. I have actually been exhausted, and so I am glad I didn't push myself too hard.

Another wall

Here I am working hard at my novel, which is a change since I've procrastinated it almost constantly. But I've hit a rather unexpected wall.

I am at about 10,000 words. I have 40,000 more to go. But I am almost at the end of the story that I had outlined.

What to do, what to do.

Do I just finish it the way I have it and not worry about winning Nanowrimo?

Or do I add more to it? Perhaps an extra few chapters or more characters. Maybe even a huge flashback sequence would need to be added.

I just don't know what I want to do.

But I do know that chocolate will make me feel better.

More than just hitting a wall

I had two lovely days of writing bliss, working on my Nanowrimo novel without any real inconvenience. Then life decided to tell me I was foolish.

My cold is worse. I have a fever that requires Advil plus Tylenol plus Aleve in order to reduce. I am extremely tired and could probably sleep all day if I wanted.

My daughter's mental health issues have reared their nasty heads and she therefore requires extra attention and help getting through the day. It doesn't help that she has a three day weekend.

I am having difficulty concentrating. I don't know if it's because of my cold, some anxiety over government red tape, worry for my daughter, or whatever else. Maybe it's all of the above.

I don't know if God is trying to tell me that I was foolish to think I could do this novel. Maybe it's just a test of my perseverance. Either way I'm 2 days behind now in my word count. There will probably be a few more days of no writing until I feel better. I don't know if I'll be able to finish it this month. But I would like to try.

Lots of stuff

Since I posted last there has been so much going on.

My fiance was in town for about 10 days. We spent a lot of quality time together including finishing our pre-cana activities and setting the date. I also gave him his own engagement ring, which is actually the One ring. I'm glad he loves it.

I figured out how to get the most important songs off of my iPod and onto the new computer so that I could sync it again.

I bought new shoes, jeans, and a Gir hoodie.

I learned how to eat with chopsticks.

There are a few new games in the house and a new Xbox 360 that the kids seem to be enjoying. Hopefully I'll get to try them sometime soon.

I'm also mildly freaking out about Nanowrimo. I know I can do it if things go right, but I'm worried that I will overthink things and overcorrect my writing, which will impede my progress. There probably won't be many blog posts in November because of this.

Anyway, blessings to everyone and anyone who reads this!

Computer woes

In the last week I have had to replace my family's computer. The old PC has been having problems with the power supply. It would turn off several times in the morning before it warmed up enough to stay on for the rest of the day. Annoying but tolerable. I should have paid heed to the warning though and backed up our files. I thought about it Friday but was going to put it off for a day or two.

A day was too late.

Saturday morning the PC would not turn on at all. No flicker of light, No hum (or even grinding) of the power supply. It was dead. And it took all of our data with it.

I know the data is salvageable, if you know how to put together and repair computers that is. Since I am unskilled in that area (as is pretty much everyone I know) the only option for us was to get a new computer and mourn our data loss.

I thought my iPod would be okay but iTunes won't let me download my songs from my iPod back into the new iTunes library. It only recognizes the songs I purchased from iTunes. So it will take some time trying to get my library back, including all the podcasts I had been subscribed to and all the CDs I had transferred to it.

Today there was a small glimmer of joy when a very important file was able to be recovered from an e-mail. The thought of spending a few hours recreating it was so daunting. Finding that attachment intact made my day.

Strange things

I heard a few strange things today:

1) "Can't you see the nerves in my toes?"

2) (In a big superhero voice) "I am JOSHUA!"

3) "Leave my gnome alone!"

4) "That decapitation was awesome!"

5) "Get that conjugal cranial parasite off of my nosecone!"

Influence

"Our body is a cenacle, a monstrance: through its crystal the world should see God." -St. Gianna Molla


I often wonder what purpose my suffering is for. Am I actively suffering for my own soul? For others'? Or is it because when I suffer I am an example to others? I must admit that I am most uncomfortable with the latter since I know how crabby I can be when I am in pain.

In order to keep going on, surviving with my suffering, I need to pray and to remind myself over and over that everything I do, including how I react to my suffering, has an influence on those around me and therefore on the world. I hope that my influence is a good and holy one.

Challenging myself

I haven't blogged much this past month. I've been busy with my kids, playing Halo: Reach, and preparing for my very first NaNoWriMo. I have refined and outlined my plot and settings. I have a good idea of my characters. I even thought of a title: Coffee Run.

I am still a tiny bit scared to death. I don't want to fail, but I don't want to be too scared to try either. So I'm stepping out in faith and determined to do my best.

Something weird

Since my fiance and I live states apart, we speak to each other on the phone almost every night. Lately he has gotten into the habit of asking me a certain question each night.

"Did you see anything strange today?"

Thanks to that question I have been noticing (and enjoying) a lot of things in the world that I would otherwise have taken for granted or not payed attention to at all:

vanity license plates

bizarre animal behavior

funny business signs

people dressed strangely

video game glitches

and so much more.

This has helped me be a bit more cheerful throughout the day as I keep an eye out for the unusual in the world and remember to tell my love about it each night.

What I'm thinking

My head is full of randomness again.

1. The movie Anaconda is as bad as Snakes on a Plane. I wonder if there is or ever can be any good movie about snakes.

2. My ear canal is inflamed for no apparent reason and won't hold a earbud. Left side only.

3. I was so itchy last night that I dreamt about being itchy.

4. My son's room is truly hopeless.

5. That new Nivea orange blossom scented lotion is awesome.

6. Am I crazy for wanting my own Tardis?

7. The amount of time the government takes to go through a few pages of paperwork is ridiculous.

8. Meat is delicious.

9. My life proves that having a college degree does not ensure one's future financial stability.

10. William Shatner should never ever be allowed to sing.

There can be only one!

Yesterday was an interesting day with my son. I made him watch the movie Highlander. Now he knows why I keep making references to the phrase in today's blog title as well as the "Quickening." He also pointed out the cheesiness and ridiculousness of various things. He wanted all the characters to die and loved the decapitations.

One of the great joys of being a parent is being able to see the world anew through their eyes. When children are small their interest in things we take for granted is such a profoundly moving experience. Caterpillars, rainbows, and dandelions are seen with delight. As my children have aged I still enjoy seeing things through their eyes. In the last year I have been introducing my son to movies that I experienced by the time I was his age.

Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Willow

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Faces of Death

Project X

Max Dugan Returns

The Breakfast Club

These movies are just a few of what I've shown my son. Most he has loved. A few, like Highlander, he spent the whole movie adding his own commentary.

Some day my son will decide what he wants to do with his life, hopefully involving college, working, moving out, and/or marriage. Until then I will take these special moments as they come and enjoy them as much as possible.

What's left of summer

Approaching the last week of my daughter's summer vacation, she is very antsy, and says she has wasted all summer doing "nothing." While it's true we haven't gone on any trips or done typical summer activities, such as swimming, we have done things.

We've seen movies, both at home and at a theater.

We gathered with family at a grand ol' July 4th barbecue.

We've read piles of books we obtained via local libraries.

We spent time together just hanging out.

Isn't it sad that most children today would agree with my daughter that these things are "nothing?"


By the way the last movie I saw was The Men Who Stare at Goats, and I have two words to say about that:

Hippie Jedi

That is all.

Thoughts on The Last Airbender

I saw The Last Airbender with my son today. After so many horrible reviews I was pleasantly surprised.

The special effects were superb. Pacing was a little on the slow side, however it seemed to cover the essentials from the cartoon.

The acting was not great, but good enough. Dialogue could have been better, but was not as terrible as reviewers made it seem.

I was disappointed that Prince Zuko's scar was unrealistically pigmented the same color as the rest of his face. And there were a few scenes where a better editor would have chosen retakes of dialogue that were smoother.

But overall the film was good. To all the reviewers and newscasters who claim that it was the worst movie ever, I say: You haven't seen many movies, have you?!

Sub vs. dub

I really enjoy watching anime. Anime is released in the original Japanese language. In order for me to enjoy the anime I must decide on either watching it in Japanese with English subtitles or with English dubbed audio. I almost never choose dubs because:

1. Japanese voice actors convey a larger range of emotion while still sounding natural. A good example of this would be the main character Ichigo in the anime Bleach.

2. Translation sometimes cause the dialogue to sound unnatural in English. Please Teacher viewers would agree that no husband would regularly call his wife, "Ma'am."

3. English voice actors and actresses often try to imitate the softness or roughness of the Japanese actors' voices, and this sounds unnatural. This is especially apparent in female voices and voices of children.

The only anime series I can enjoy, and not just tolerate, in English dub is Chobits. For some reason I find Chii's voice infinitely more cute in English than Japanese.

Thank goodness my otaku fiance agrees with me on this subject, so we can easily watch anime together without arguing over the language.

Pain and others

I spend nearly every day in pain due to chronic migraines. Sometimes the people around me have no clue that the simple things they do or don't do make the pain significantly worse. It can be the volume of the television, having a light on, using the flash on a camera, walking a distance, etc. You might be surprised at the reaction others have to needed accomodations.

If I don't want to walk somewhere or do something because I know it will make the pain worse I am being "lazy."

If I ask to turn down the volume or ask people to speak quietly I am ignored or called a "spoilsport."

If I try to block the light from my eyes people suggest I move away from the light, or they tell me why they must have it on.

If I suddenly have a severe migraine I must take medicine for it that also makes me sleepy. When I get sleepy I am called "rude" or "lazy" again for not doing whatever other people think I should be doing.

It can be exhausting, physically and emotionally, to deal with all the situations that occur when you are in pain. When people aggravate the situation it is like they are stomping on your foot after you have broken it. It hurts.

It is very hard to maintain calmness in these situations, especially when physical pain is being experienced. And it is almost impossible to pray while in pain too. So I rely on the kindness and prayers of others to keep me going.

If others would realize the enormous effect they can have on my pain would things change? I would like to think yes. That is one of the hopes I cling to right now.

Bad day

I started today all positive and happy. Quickly, circumstances have caused me to realize that this day will be rotten no matter what.

My daughter is spending all of this morning having massive anxiety and panic attacks. Even right at this moment she is next to me asking me questions to reassure herself. This means I will get little done.

My head is already hurting and I know I shouldn't take medicine for it since it would be the third day in a row.

I am having a hard time figuring out what to do, partly because my daughter needs so much attention, and partly because of my own indecisiveness.

I predict that most of today I will spend either lying down or playing video games when I really want and need to do other things.

Heat wave

Yesterday in the Chicago area the temperature climbed into the 90s(F). Unfortunately my car does not have air conditioning. Yet I chose to torment myself and my family by going to the mall in the early afternoon. The temperature must have been about 100 degrees in the car. There was little or no wind. By the time we got home I felt overheated and sick. It took me more than an hour to cool down enough to be comfortable again.

I was shocked to find out that my fiance, who lives in Texas, only experienced temperatures in the 80s. I am truly mortified. Well, sort of. I wish the temps would stay cooler here than in Texas, but I know that when I move there (after the wedding next year) I will rejoice at any temperature drop I can get.

Harry Potter brings out the strange in us

My kids and I have been playing Lego Harry Potter. Here is a sample of the bizarre things I have said or heard lately:

1. What's an accordion doing there?

2. (singing) Harry is pretty and witty and gay!

3. Can you imagine what it would be like if a Terminator was sent back in time to kill Harry?

4. I made flowers grow out of his head!

5. She's bald? That's awesome!

6. Ron, get out of the way or I will kill you! Alright. There, how do you like it, huh?! (followed by evil laughter)

10 Book confessions

1. I have never read a Narnia book.

2. I have read all of the Lord of the Rings books except The Return of the King. I make it about half way and then sleep takes over every time I try.

3. I have read every book in the Princess Diaries, Harry Potter, and Artemis Fowl series and enjoyed them.

4. I read all but one of the Hitchhiker's Guide books and loved them, but I embarrassingly remember little about them.

5. I am the only one from my Senior English class in high school who liked Adam Bede.

6. I often enjoy children's books more than those written for adults.

7. I have read The Little Prince in the original French, twice.

8. I have to read parts of the Redwall series' books out loud due to the amazing accents that are written out.

9. I like reading book compilations of real people's diaries and letters.

10. I hate getting rid of books. There are piles of them throughout the house.

In a year

I have been looking forward to this date. Today I can say, "Only one more year!"

If all goes well, next year on this date I will be marrying my fiance.

It is both exciting and frustrating. Exciting for the obvious reason. But furstrating because I haven't actually set the date with the church yet. The reason is that I know they may tell me I can't set a date until all the paperwork is done. All the paperwork is done on my end. But my fiance hasn't completed his yet. Whenever I ask I hear some excuse and then I feel much frustration.

I don't know what else I can do or say. I know he wants to marry me since he asked me and we both agreed on a date. So why is this not getting done? Yes I have asked and not gotten a decent understandable answer why it has been 4 months without completing it. Is this some guy thing I just can't understand?

Right now I find myself wavering between trust him to get it done and nag him until it's done.

So honey, if you're reading this, please PLEASE get the papers finished!

And I love you.

Another year

Today my daughter turns 18 years old. Thanks to her autism she typically behaves as a younger child. But still, it's a milestone for her and a reminder to me of how old I'm getting. :(

Did I really hear that?

Random strange things I heard from my family today:

"After this last one there's one more left."


Q: "If the zombies ate their hearts, how come you can see the hearts on the floor?"
A: "Well they I think they ate them AND they're on the floor."


Q1: "What do Daleks do?"
A1: "They like to exterminate."
Q2: "Are they the one's who say, 'Exterminate!'?"
A2: (sighing heavily) "Yes."


"You never see them die. How do you know they're dead?"


"It's on the TV there, see?"
"But I couldn't find it on the internet!"


Q: "If a vampire became a cannibal or ate human flesh wouldn't it stop being a vampire and actually be a ghoul or zombie?"
A: "That would depend on how raw and bloody the flesh was."

Words are important

Thanks to my migraines, and loudness being a big trigger for them, the time I spend watching TV involves turning off the volume and turning on closed captions. Sometimes shows have no captions, which means I cannot watch them. Sometimes the captions are there and are perfect. Sadly, a majority of the time the captions are not accurate at all.

I can understand that if the show is being captioned live, such as a news broadcast, that it is impossible to transcribe everything perfectly. But when it is a recorded show that could be captioned ahead of time, and it is obviously not or is done poorly I find it hard to tolerate.

I cannot understand why a captioner would type the words "witches" instead of "which is" when witches would not fit into the subject at all.

I cannot understand why captioners bother to type half a sentence only to leave out important words that would be necessary for understanding. "The person would non-corn based products" is one caption I saw today. I have no idea what it meant since the rest of the speech did not clue me in.

I also cannot understand when captions seem to become completely out of control. The captions suddenly spout gibberish, turn bizarre colors, or change position on the screen for no reason and block the view of the picture. I always joke that the captioner must be drunk or on drugs to have messed up so badly.

And I also do not understand why captions sometimes block important words on the screen that are not captioned, such as text translated into English or a person's name. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the captions to begin with?

I can imagine that the deaf community feels ambivalent about the current quality of closed captioning. They don't like it but are afraid to complain too much for fear the captioning of visual media will be reduced or eliminated.

If I were blessed to be able to provide a wonderful service for a minority community I would be ashamed to put out such shoddy work. The little I have heard from said captioners is full of excuses. Face it: transcribers exist in many other businesses and are held accountable to be as accurate as possible. In this day and age there is no decent excuse for the overall poor quality of captioning.

Frustration in paper

I hate paperwork. A simple form that merely asks for my basic information is fine. I can handle that. But anything further I cannot stand. For some reason it gets me incredibly stressed and that, in turn, causes a killer migraine.

Naturally the government likes to dole out loads of this paperwork onto citizens, who then have the burden of listing every detail of their lives. Lately doctors and lawyers have also begun to request large amounts of information via a multitude of paperwork as well. So then, since I am dealing with the government, doctors, and lawyers regarding my and my children's disabilities I am up to my neck with paperwork. I want to scream. Then crawl back into bed. And stay there.

The best I can do is to work on it a little bit and then either leave the rest for another day or ask for help.

Today I asked for help. The person who I asked to help me thinks I am just being lazy, when in actuality I am trying to preserve my sanity and health. This person should know that as well as I do, yet they still make these comments and try to bring me down.

So what should a good Catholic Christian do? In this case I am choosing to not make excuses for myself to this person, since I do not want to argue about their validity, yet I am still asking for help because I need it. I hope this is the right choice.

*sigh* I really really hate paperwork.

Being left out

No one likes to be left out, whether it's being left out of an activity or of being the recipient of some important news. When it happens it hurts. It can cause tears and can feel like your heart has been wounded.

I have always tried my best to be fair. I have a large extended family and thus have always valued including everyone in my life as much as possible. To find that others in my family don't value me or others in the family the same way is really painful.

Once when I was a teenager I was very hurt to find out that relatives were going to visit us for a week only the day before they were to arrive. Everyone else had known about this for at least a month, and yet no one had bothered to tell me. It seems that when talking to various family members they had thought they had also talked to me about it. I tried to be as cheerful as possible, but the whole experience was negative for me.

I had hoped that this experience would have been the only one of its kind I would have to endure. Unfortunately I was wrong. Recently another relative and I have been left out of another family member's wedding festivities. No invitation was sent and no information was given even though this occasion has been planned for almost a year. Other relatives have known these details and received invitations. Therefore, it is very hurtful to find that we were left out, either deliberately or as an oversight.

It is hard knowing what to do with this knowledge. I know I should be forgiving, and I am trying to, but it is quite a hard thing to do: to forgive when the feelings of hurt are still so raw and painful. Our family tends to make known the hurt and then brush it off as if it didn't happen. I don't know if I can do that either. My relatives do not read this as far as I know and they will, therefore, not learn of this unless I specifically tell them.

Next year I hope to be married to my wonderful fiance. I plan on inviting everyone that I can in both my and my fiance's families. I can guess that less than half will be attending, but still I do not want to cause the pain I am feeling in everyone else by leaving anyone out.

Bleh

I haven't thought of anything witty to write. I have a cold with fever and chills, a throbbing migraine, and now a probable broken toe. My daughter's anxiety and screaming episodes are driving me nuts. I feel so irritable.

I think there are only two things keeping me from screaming today. One is my fiance, who called me unexpectedly to see how I was doing and express his love and concern. The second is God. I have kept up with my daily prayers and (even through crabbiness, inattentiveness, and interruptions) I feel that God has given me the graces and blessings to get through the day.

Now if only I could take a nap...

Crying bullets

My son came up to me a few minutes ago and told me, "Bullets flew out of the enemy's eye socket!"

Fortunately I know what he is talking about.

Our Xbox 360 was sent out for repairs, and it came back yesterday. Now we are all enjoying playing Mass Effect 2. I think we are both on our third playthroughs. I'm still not tired of it yet.

Mass Effect (the original) is my favorite game. I never got tired of playing through it. I was, and still am, hoping that I would feel the same with the sequel. One of the major differences in gameplay between the games is combat.

I like the overall design of combat. Using the D-pad to send out teammates is something that was improved. I like the effects of certain ammunition that can be used in ME2. The fact that my new infiltrator character can become invisible in combat is a major plus. But there is one thing I can't stand. The fact that I can now run out of ammunition drives me nuts.

In the first game you never run out of ammo. You assign the different types of ammo to the specific weapons for a desired effect. Now the special ammo can be used in most guns you carry for a limited amount of time as an ability. But you can run out of your regular ammo in a rough fight and be almost defenseless. The new game drops ammo randomly from kills during the fight, hence the quote from my son.

I really love this game, almost as much as the first. But this new ammunition count system may make the difference in whether it can top the first. I will know more when I max out the levels of my main character and try the harder difficulty settings.

Wedding dress of doom

I've been looking online for a wedding dress before attempting to go to a bridal salon. I have no idea if I will have any money for a wedding dress, but I like to dream and try to imagine what would look good on me. Unfortunately it is very hard to find a dress that would be right for me.

Part of the problem is the wedding gown industry itself. Apparently the designers of these gowns imagine that all brides are a size 10 or lower and want a tight-fitted sleeveless strapless dress. I am not that person. Also I have never been fond of the idea of wearing a gown with a train. It is very hard to find a cheap floor-length figure-flattering gown with sleeves.

On top of this I actually would like, if possible, to have a white gown with black detailing. It may sound strange, but I would like these colors since I am a lay Dominican, and white and black are the colors of our Order.

You can imagine that there is not likely to be a gown that is exactly what I want out there. This means that I will have to settle, and I will probably be thinking of this whenever I see my wedding photos or remember the wedding.

I don't understand why society allows designers or their companies and corporations to decide what is available for brides to wear. I certainly understand that many women like to be stylish and up to date with current trends. However there are plenty of other women like me who wish to wear a classic design that conforms to their desire to be modest and true to themselves and their faiths. Apparently only the rich and skinny would easily be able to find this type own gown online.

If I had any talent in sewing I would make my own gown. Since I do not and have no family or friend who is so talented or available, choosing my wedding dress is turning out to be a painful process for me.

Things are not as they seem

I am one of those lucky rare people in the world who gets sensory hallucinations as migraine aura. Sometimes I can tell right away if it's real or not, and sometimes it takes me a bit to figure it out.

Yesterday I had two interesting ones. The smell of lilacs, which I love, permeated my bedroom. My window was not open and I don't have perfumes so I knew it was not real. When I was lying on my bed nursing the migraine I felt something on my back. It almost felt like an arm. But there was no one else in the room.

A few days ago I heard this annoying bird outside my window. It would not be quiet. Every few seconds it was "Coo, coo, coo." After hearing this a few hours my son came in the room and I mentioned how annoying it was. He didn't hear a thing. I knew it was my migraine then.

It can be very disconcerting to see spiders and bugs on the wall out of the corner of my vision only to find they aren't really there. When I smell something yummy cooking and I find out it doesn't exist I feel quite embarrased and disappointed.

It is often hard to accept that I can't rely on my own senses to tell me the truth. I certainly don't like openly talking about this since I don't want to be misunderstood or labelled as "crazy." But it is the reality that I face everyday that what I see, hear, smell, or touch may not actually be real.

Writing a novel

I am on medication that causes me to have intense wacky dreams (a very strange side effect.) I have dreamt things that are so bizarre I can't imagine where my mind got the ideas from. The other night my dream turned a little unusual. I dreamt a long and complicated story in which I was someone else. There was a cool plot, subplots, and side characters as well. I woke up thinking it would make an interesting novel or movie. Seeing as I have virtually no video-making or editing skills I have decided to try to write it out as a novel.

On one of my podcasts I learned about NaNoWriMo which is a website where you can sign up to dedicate yourself to writing an entire novel in the month of November. November is quite a ways away. I still decided to join since I can use the time beforehand to create character descriptions and plot outlines as well as prepare myself mentally.

I don't know if I will ever complete or publish the novel, but I intend to thoroughly enjoy myself during the entire writing and creative process.

5 Podcasts

Here is a description of a few of the podcasts I regularly listen to and would recommend:

1. The Word Daily scripture, and preaching on the scriptures, done by members of the Order of Preachers, otherwise known as Dominicans. A good source for meditation on the day's scripture passages.

2. Orange Lounge Radio A weekly video game podcast full of fun. Unlike many gaming podcasts this one is done live on Allgames.com with live chat and phone calls. They address video games and releases around the world and aren't afraid to express their opinions or address controversies. The random stuff that comes up can be hilarious as well.

3. Paranormal Podcast This podcast has interviews with people regarding items related to the paranormal or supernatural. The host is always polite and never makes even the craziest guests seem as crazy as they really are. He also has a respect for religion that other paranormal-themed podcasts often lack.

4. Catholic in a Small Town This is a weekly podcast done by a real-life Catholic couple. They don't try to hide their humanity by only talking about religious topics. This is a podcast that usually has me laughing out loud.

5. The Writer's Almanac This daily podcast, narrated by Garrison Keillor, gives a little snippet of history, usually about an artist or author, followed by a poem recitation. Though a short podcast I usually accumulate several weeks' worth from the feed and let the combination of Keillor's voice and melodic poetry send me to sleep at night.

Insanity prevention

If a person asked you the same series of questions repeatedly all day long every day, how do you think you would react? Screaming? Violence? Pretending to ignore them? Well, I am in this situation with my daughter. Thanks to a combination of her autism, irrational fears, and anxiety she is constantly asking me the same questions, over and over, and it is driving me crazy.

If I try to ignore her, her anxiety gets worse. If I get mad and tell her not to ask me again, well, she just gets upset back at me as well as more anxious. Violence is not an option, of course. The best I can do is either answer simply and try to distract her or tell her, "You know the answer."

Still, the repetition is getting me so irritable. Sometimes it bleeds over into my interactions with other people, such as my fiance. I am finding myself more moody and less tolerant of minor irritations.

I would be slowly going insane by this entire situation if it weren't for my steadfast faith in God. I know He loves her and created her wonderfully. I know he has gifted me the graces to be able to take care of her special needs. And I know that everything will turn out well for us.

Daily prayer has been so helpful for me. I try to meditate on Scripture daily as well. Some nights I go to bed realizing the day was so bad that I had barely paid any attention to God or my prayers. Still I am determined to cling to them, since they are the only way I can be sure to keep sane.

10 random thoughts

• Why do I still dream about going to school when the last class I took was in 1995?
• It sucks to wake up to helicopters hovering overhead for 30 minutes in the wee hours of the morning.
• Jet black nail polish does not look professional (in most cases.)
• It has taken my whole life to finally get into shoes and bags, yet I have no money for them.
• My Xbox 360 is being fixed and should be home soon. Yay!
• My son tells me that my favorite Transformer is Jazz, yet I have no recollection of ever saying that.
• I prefer painting with oil paints.
• I love the smell of plastic.
• I wish I had a Smurf t-shirt.
• I still love Pokemon and don't care what anyone thinks about it.

The wedding of our dreams

I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man. Unfortunately we are both totally broke. Unless something happens and we both become rich before our wedding next year, it is going to be a very modest affair. We will be lucky to have a photographer, or even a reception of any kind. Forget a honeymoon, we will be lucky to have a few nights in a cheap hotel. Nevertheless we both like to dream and imagine what our wedding would be like if money was no object:

1. We would fill the church by flying in all out of town family and friends who are able to come.

2. An all afternoon/evening reception in a banquet hall with loads of food and dancing. (not too loud though)

3. Professional photographer who doesn't use flash (major migraine trigger for me.)

4. A wedding cake of a lifesize Krogan doing DDR!

5. Some cool items from ThinkGeek for favors (such as tactical bacon.)

6. A week long honeymoon in Tokyo with plenty of spending money.

7. Fancy dress/tux for the wedding and fun cosplay outfits for the reception.

8. Video games for all to play at the reception.

9. Dancing lessons for me so I don't kill my husband before the honeymoon (literally.)

10. A professional wedding planner to take care of everything for us.

11. Limos or cool antique cars (with drivers.)

12. Roses everywhere.

13. Professional special educator to help deal with my autistic teens during it all.


I'm sure I've forgotten some things, and it is in no particular order, but I'm really happy that I was able to see these plans in writing even if they will never come true.

Paralyzing creativity

I like to be creative. I enjoy writing, drawing, painting, cross-stitch, crochet, singing, etc. Sometimes I have art block and can't think of anything worthwhile to do with my creative urges. Sometimes I have no problem at all and am able to express myself exactly the way I want to. But a majority of the time I have what I like to call paralyzing creativity.

For me paralyzing creativity is an overwhelming amount of ideas that cause me to shut down. I don't know which idea to pursue first or how to execute my idea into the vision I desire. It is extremely frustrating. Yet I realize that much of this is a state of my mind that I should be able to control. I haven't yet figured out how to control this, but I have started to make an effort.

Recently I have forced myself to take an idea that I have and work with it, whether I like it or am comfortable with it or not. I have actually put out some work. But I am not really happy with the results; I am just okay with them. I have decided to keep up with this plan for now since I am actually getting some results and am learning some new things too.

But deep down I want to have a fabulous idea that I love and follow through with it until my vision is realized.

Welcome to your doom!

This is my first blog and my first blog entry. Recently I have just felt like writing about my life and thoughts. I used to keep a journal but that idea doesn't appeal to me right now, so I thought I would take the plunge and try blogging.

I am a Catholic woman in my late 30's who lives in Illinois. I am divorced but engaged to be married. I have a son aged 20 who has Asperger's and a daughter aged 17 who has autism, mild mental retardation, and anxiety problems. Although I am an RN I am unable to work currently due to chronic migraine headaches.

I enjoy many things in life such as drawing, painting, watching TV and movies, playing video games, listening to audio books, podcasts, and music, crocheting, reading, watching anime, praying and studying more about my faith, and much more.

Because I have so many interests I have decided that this blog will include all my varied interests and not be focused on any one topic. Therefore, if you find one post's topic interesting the next may totally surprise and/or repulse you. Hopefully I will quickly learn the ins and outs of having a blog.

Thanks for reading!