Being left out

No one likes to be left out, whether it's being left out of an activity or of being the recipient of some important news. When it happens it hurts. It can cause tears and can feel like your heart has been wounded.

I have always tried my best to be fair. I have a large extended family and thus have always valued including everyone in my life as much as possible. To find that others in my family don't value me or others in the family the same way is really painful.

Once when I was a teenager I was very hurt to find out that relatives were going to visit us for a week only the day before they were to arrive. Everyone else had known about this for at least a month, and yet no one had bothered to tell me. It seems that when talking to various family members they had thought they had also talked to me about it. I tried to be as cheerful as possible, but the whole experience was negative for me.

I had hoped that this experience would have been the only one of its kind I would have to endure. Unfortunately I was wrong. Recently another relative and I have been left out of another family member's wedding festivities. No invitation was sent and no information was given even though this occasion has been planned for almost a year. Other relatives have known these details and received invitations. Therefore, it is very hurtful to find that we were left out, either deliberately or as an oversight.

It is hard knowing what to do with this knowledge. I know I should be forgiving, and I am trying to, but it is quite a hard thing to do: to forgive when the feelings of hurt are still so raw and painful. Our family tends to make known the hurt and then brush it off as if it didn't happen. I don't know if I can do that either. My relatives do not read this as far as I know and they will, therefore, not learn of this unless I specifically tell them.

Next year I hope to be married to my wonderful fiance. I plan on inviting everyone that I can in both my and my fiance's families. I can guess that less than half will be attending, but still I do not want to cause the pain I am feeling in everyone else by leaving anyone out.

Bleh

I haven't thought of anything witty to write. I have a cold with fever and chills, a throbbing migraine, and now a probable broken toe. My daughter's anxiety and screaming episodes are driving me nuts. I feel so irritable.

I think there are only two things keeping me from screaming today. One is my fiance, who called me unexpectedly to see how I was doing and express his love and concern. The second is God. I have kept up with my daily prayers and (even through crabbiness, inattentiveness, and interruptions) I feel that God has given me the graces and blessings to get through the day.

Now if only I could take a nap...

Crying bullets

My son came up to me a few minutes ago and told me, "Bullets flew out of the enemy's eye socket!"

Fortunately I know what he is talking about.

Our Xbox 360 was sent out for repairs, and it came back yesterday. Now we are all enjoying playing Mass Effect 2. I think we are both on our third playthroughs. I'm still not tired of it yet.

Mass Effect (the original) is my favorite game. I never got tired of playing through it. I was, and still am, hoping that I would feel the same with the sequel. One of the major differences in gameplay between the games is combat.

I like the overall design of combat. Using the D-pad to send out teammates is something that was improved. I like the effects of certain ammunition that can be used in ME2. The fact that my new infiltrator character can become invisible in combat is a major plus. But there is one thing I can't stand. The fact that I can now run out of ammunition drives me nuts.

In the first game you never run out of ammo. You assign the different types of ammo to the specific weapons for a desired effect. Now the special ammo can be used in most guns you carry for a limited amount of time as an ability. But you can run out of your regular ammo in a rough fight and be almost defenseless. The new game drops ammo randomly from kills during the fight, hence the quote from my son.

I really love this game, almost as much as the first. But this new ammunition count system may make the difference in whether it can top the first. I will know more when I max out the levels of my main character and try the harder difficulty settings.

Wedding dress of doom

I've been looking online for a wedding dress before attempting to go to a bridal salon. I have no idea if I will have any money for a wedding dress, but I like to dream and try to imagine what would look good on me. Unfortunately it is very hard to find a dress that would be right for me.

Part of the problem is the wedding gown industry itself. Apparently the designers of these gowns imagine that all brides are a size 10 or lower and want a tight-fitted sleeveless strapless dress. I am not that person. Also I have never been fond of the idea of wearing a gown with a train. It is very hard to find a cheap floor-length figure-flattering gown with sleeves.

On top of this I actually would like, if possible, to have a white gown with black detailing. It may sound strange, but I would like these colors since I am a lay Dominican, and white and black are the colors of our Order.

You can imagine that there is not likely to be a gown that is exactly what I want out there. This means that I will have to settle, and I will probably be thinking of this whenever I see my wedding photos or remember the wedding.

I don't understand why society allows designers or their companies and corporations to decide what is available for brides to wear. I certainly understand that many women like to be stylish and up to date with current trends. However there are plenty of other women like me who wish to wear a classic design that conforms to their desire to be modest and true to themselves and their faiths. Apparently only the rich and skinny would easily be able to find this type own gown online.

If I had any talent in sewing I would make my own gown. Since I do not and have no family or friend who is so talented or available, choosing my wedding dress is turning out to be a painful process for me.

Things are not as they seem

I am one of those lucky rare people in the world who gets sensory hallucinations as migraine aura. Sometimes I can tell right away if it's real or not, and sometimes it takes me a bit to figure it out.

Yesterday I had two interesting ones. The smell of lilacs, which I love, permeated my bedroom. My window was not open and I don't have perfumes so I knew it was not real. When I was lying on my bed nursing the migraine I felt something on my back. It almost felt like an arm. But there was no one else in the room.

A few days ago I heard this annoying bird outside my window. It would not be quiet. Every few seconds it was "Coo, coo, coo." After hearing this a few hours my son came in the room and I mentioned how annoying it was. He didn't hear a thing. I knew it was my migraine then.

It can be very disconcerting to see spiders and bugs on the wall out of the corner of my vision only to find they aren't really there. When I smell something yummy cooking and I find out it doesn't exist I feel quite embarrased and disappointed.

It is often hard to accept that I can't rely on my own senses to tell me the truth. I certainly don't like openly talking about this since I don't want to be misunderstood or labelled as "crazy." But it is the reality that I face everyday that what I see, hear, smell, or touch may not actually be real.

Writing a novel

I am on medication that causes me to have intense wacky dreams (a very strange side effect.) I have dreamt things that are so bizarre I can't imagine where my mind got the ideas from. The other night my dream turned a little unusual. I dreamt a long and complicated story in which I was someone else. There was a cool plot, subplots, and side characters as well. I woke up thinking it would make an interesting novel or movie. Seeing as I have virtually no video-making or editing skills I have decided to try to write it out as a novel.

On one of my podcasts I learned about NaNoWriMo which is a website where you can sign up to dedicate yourself to writing an entire novel in the month of November. November is quite a ways away. I still decided to join since I can use the time beforehand to create character descriptions and plot outlines as well as prepare myself mentally.

I don't know if I will ever complete or publish the novel, but I intend to thoroughly enjoy myself during the entire writing and creative process.

5 Podcasts

Here is a description of a few of the podcasts I regularly listen to and would recommend:

1. The Word Daily scripture, and preaching on the scriptures, done by members of the Order of Preachers, otherwise known as Dominicans. A good source for meditation on the day's scripture passages.

2. Orange Lounge Radio A weekly video game podcast full of fun. Unlike many gaming podcasts this one is done live on Allgames.com with live chat and phone calls. They address video games and releases around the world and aren't afraid to express their opinions or address controversies. The random stuff that comes up can be hilarious as well.

3. Paranormal Podcast This podcast has interviews with people regarding items related to the paranormal or supernatural. The host is always polite and never makes even the craziest guests seem as crazy as they really are. He also has a respect for religion that other paranormal-themed podcasts often lack.

4. Catholic in a Small Town This is a weekly podcast done by a real-life Catholic couple. They don't try to hide their humanity by only talking about religious topics. This is a podcast that usually has me laughing out loud.

5. The Writer's Almanac This daily podcast, narrated by Garrison Keillor, gives a little snippet of history, usually about an artist or author, followed by a poem recitation. Though a short podcast I usually accumulate several weeks' worth from the feed and let the combination of Keillor's voice and melodic poetry send me to sleep at night.

Insanity prevention

If a person asked you the same series of questions repeatedly all day long every day, how do you think you would react? Screaming? Violence? Pretending to ignore them? Well, I am in this situation with my daughter. Thanks to a combination of her autism, irrational fears, and anxiety she is constantly asking me the same questions, over and over, and it is driving me crazy.

If I try to ignore her, her anxiety gets worse. If I get mad and tell her not to ask me again, well, she just gets upset back at me as well as more anxious. Violence is not an option, of course. The best I can do is either answer simply and try to distract her or tell her, "You know the answer."

Still, the repetition is getting me so irritable. Sometimes it bleeds over into my interactions with other people, such as my fiance. I am finding myself more moody and less tolerant of minor irritations.

I would be slowly going insane by this entire situation if it weren't for my steadfast faith in God. I know He loves her and created her wonderfully. I know he has gifted me the graces to be able to take care of her special needs. And I know that everything will turn out well for us.

Daily prayer has been so helpful for me. I try to meditate on Scripture daily as well. Some nights I go to bed realizing the day was so bad that I had barely paid any attention to God or my prayers. Still I am determined to cling to them, since they are the only way I can be sure to keep sane.

10 random thoughts

• Why do I still dream about going to school when the last class I took was in 1995?
• It sucks to wake up to helicopters hovering overhead for 30 minutes in the wee hours of the morning.
• Jet black nail polish does not look professional (in most cases.)
• It has taken my whole life to finally get into shoes and bags, yet I have no money for them.
• My Xbox 360 is being fixed and should be home soon. Yay!
• My son tells me that my favorite Transformer is Jazz, yet I have no recollection of ever saying that.
• I prefer painting with oil paints.
• I love the smell of plastic.
• I wish I had a Smurf t-shirt.
• I still love Pokemon and don't care what anyone thinks about it.

The wedding of our dreams

I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man. Unfortunately we are both totally broke. Unless something happens and we both become rich before our wedding next year, it is going to be a very modest affair. We will be lucky to have a photographer, or even a reception of any kind. Forget a honeymoon, we will be lucky to have a few nights in a cheap hotel. Nevertheless we both like to dream and imagine what our wedding would be like if money was no object:

1. We would fill the church by flying in all out of town family and friends who are able to come.

2. An all afternoon/evening reception in a banquet hall with loads of food and dancing. (not too loud though)

3. Professional photographer who doesn't use flash (major migraine trigger for me.)

4. A wedding cake of a lifesize Krogan doing DDR!

5. Some cool items from ThinkGeek for favors (such as tactical bacon.)

6. A week long honeymoon in Tokyo with plenty of spending money.

7. Fancy dress/tux for the wedding and fun cosplay outfits for the reception.

8. Video games for all to play at the reception.

9. Dancing lessons for me so I don't kill my husband before the honeymoon (literally.)

10. A professional wedding planner to take care of everything for us.

11. Limos or cool antique cars (with drivers.)

12. Roses everywhere.

13. Professional special educator to help deal with my autistic teens during it all.


I'm sure I've forgotten some things, and it is in no particular order, but I'm really happy that I was able to see these plans in writing even if they will never come true.