Pain and others

I spend nearly every day in pain due to chronic migraines. Sometimes the people around me have no clue that the simple things they do or don't do make the pain significantly worse. It can be the volume of the television, having a light on, using the flash on a camera, walking a distance, etc. You might be surprised at the reaction others have to needed accomodations.

If I don't want to walk somewhere or do something because I know it will make the pain worse I am being "lazy."

If I ask to turn down the volume or ask people to speak quietly I am ignored or called a "spoilsport."

If I try to block the light from my eyes people suggest I move away from the light, or they tell me why they must have it on.

If I suddenly have a severe migraine I must take medicine for it that also makes me sleepy. When I get sleepy I am called "rude" or "lazy" again for not doing whatever other people think I should be doing.

It can be exhausting, physically and emotionally, to deal with all the situations that occur when you are in pain. When people aggravate the situation it is like they are stomping on your foot after you have broken it. It hurts.

It is very hard to maintain calmness in these situations, especially when physical pain is being experienced. And it is almost impossible to pray while in pain too. So I rely on the kindness and prayers of others to keep me going.

If others would realize the enormous effect they can have on my pain would things change? I would like to think yes. That is one of the hopes I cling to right now.

Frustration in paper

I hate paperwork. A simple form that merely asks for my basic information is fine. I can handle that. But anything further I cannot stand. For some reason it gets me incredibly stressed and that, in turn, causes a killer migraine.

Naturally the government likes to dole out loads of this paperwork onto citizens, who then have the burden of listing every detail of their lives. Lately doctors and lawyers have also begun to request large amounts of information via a multitude of paperwork as well. So then, since I am dealing with the government, doctors, and lawyers regarding my and my children's disabilities I am up to my neck with paperwork. I want to scream. Then crawl back into bed. And stay there.

The best I can do is to work on it a little bit and then either leave the rest for another day or ask for help.

Today I asked for help. The person who I asked to help me thinks I am just being lazy, when in actuality I am trying to preserve my sanity and health. This person should know that as well as I do, yet they still make these comments and try to bring me down.

So what should a good Catholic Christian do? In this case I am choosing to not make excuses for myself to this person, since I do not want to argue about their validity, yet I am still asking for help because I need it. I hope this is the right choice.

*sigh* I really really hate paperwork.

Bleh

I haven't thought of anything witty to write. I have a cold with fever and chills, a throbbing migraine, and now a probable broken toe. My daughter's anxiety and screaming episodes are driving me nuts. I feel so irritable.

I think there are only two things keeping me from screaming today. One is my fiance, who called me unexpectedly to see how I was doing and express his love and concern. The second is God. I have kept up with my daily prayers and (even through crabbiness, inattentiveness, and interruptions) I feel that God has given me the graces and blessings to get through the day.

Now if only I could take a nap...

Things are not as they seem

I am one of those lucky rare people in the world who gets sensory hallucinations as migraine aura. Sometimes I can tell right away if it's real or not, and sometimes it takes me a bit to figure it out.

Yesterday I had two interesting ones. The smell of lilacs, which I love, permeated my bedroom. My window was not open and I don't have perfumes so I knew it was not real. When I was lying on my bed nursing the migraine I felt something on my back. It almost felt like an arm. But there was no one else in the room.

A few days ago I heard this annoying bird outside my window. It would not be quiet. Every few seconds it was "Coo, coo, coo." After hearing this a few hours my son came in the room and I mentioned how annoying it was. He didn't hear a thing. I knew it was my migraine then.

It can be very disconcerting to see spiders and bugs on the wall out of the corner of my vision only to find they aren't really there. When I smell something yummy cooking and I find out it doesn't exist I feel quite embarrased and disappointed.

It is often hard to accept that I can't rely on my own senses to tell me the truth. I certainly don't like openly talking about this since I don't want to be misunderstood or labelled as "crazy." But it is the reality that I face everyday that what I see, hear, smell, or touch may not actually be real.